Time keeps happening
Feb. 23rd, 2018 08:19 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
periegesis"I'm going to post regularly," I say, and then don't post for a month. It's a bad sign, as a writer, when a full keyboard feels strange under your fingers compared to a phone. Nothing more wrong with my computer than usual (it seems to think that its battery life is approximately five seconds), just too much happening. I haven't used it much except for games, in the last month. I should be applying to jobs. I'm moving to Texas in a month.
Wait, what? Yeah. My mom is, at the end of the school year, so I won't have this house, and she's fed up with me anyway. Keeps "forgetting" my allergies, and I don't know if it's deliberate or not, but anyway, it's a bad sign. So I need to get a job there, so I can be free of her. Maybe I can find a managerial job, this time. I don't know if I'm strictly *qualified,* but I fucking well can do it. What I can't do is survive warehouse (or retail, or food service) jobs much longer, because apparently part of having a normal hormonal cycle, for me, is tearing up all my joints one week out of five. Maybe if I go on birth control that'll fix it, but idk. But fast distance walking is inadvisable when your ankles supinate uncontrollably and your hips don't quite slot and your spine tries to bend in half backwards, and then I have to use my shoulders for this, too. This happened last month, too--about the same time my vitamin D levels finally got into the realms of normal, which apparently affects things. Because all this shit happened on a lesser basis before, but this is probably the first time in my life I've had anything resembling a normal adult female endocrine profile, especially while simultaneously doing high-impact physical activity. Four weeks out of five, I'm fine, but the fifth, I tear up all my joints and standing hurts after like ten minutes. I can feel it starting over a week ahead, a feeling like the difference between metal and green wood as I bend, but it doesn't really get bad until the bleeding starts. I simply can't take that much time off work and still pay bills. So I need to 1) get my fucking meds changed, since this is obviously tied to an exact point in my cycle, and 2) find a job which doesn't involve this much walking, which would probably be a good idea anyway. I can be kind of normal when I'm not actively bleeding out of my crotch, but I'm still a little extra bendy and injure things stupidly easily.
And my lungs are *finally* mostly over the incense from a month ago, now that the weather's finally *above freezing*. Still need to talk to my doctor about those meds, too, because obviously I have to go outside sometimes, and god is albuterol expensive. A steroid inhaler would probably be less expensive with my insurance and would mean I wouldn't have to use the other one as much.
I just hate existing as a flesh body sometimes? It's so much work. And it hurts most of the time. And my life is like grinding in a videogame constantly, only you never seem to level up and as soon as you get any loot, your equipment breaks and you need to replace it. My work pants are wearing out again. Bills are due next week. I very much want to and intend to stay alive, but this manner of existence sucks so much. How the fuck do I fucking get out of this?
Wait, what? Yeah. My mom is, at the end of the school year, so I won't have this house, and she's fed up with me anyway. Keeps "forgetting" my allergies, and I don't know if it's deliberate or not, but anyway, it's a bad sign. So I need to get a job there, so I can be free of her. Maybe I can find a managerial job, this time. I don't know if I'm strictly *qualified,* but I fucking well can do it. What I can't do is survive warehouse (or retail, or food service) jobs much longer, because apparently part of having a normal hormonal cycle, for me, is tearing up all my joints one week out of five. Maybe if I go on birth control that'll fix it, but idk. But fast distance walking is inadvisable when your ankles supinate uncontrollably and your hips don't quite slot and your spine tries to bend in half backwards, and then I have to use my shoulders for this, too. This happened last month, too--about the same time my vitamin D levels finally got into the realms of normal, which apparently affects things. Because all this shit happened on a lesser basis before, but this is probably the first time in my life I've had anything resembling a normal adult female endocrine profile, especially while simultaneously doing high-impact physical activity. Four weeks out of five, I'm fine, but the fifth, I tear up all my joints and standing hurts after like ten minutes. I can feel it starting over a week ahead, a feeling like the difference between metal and green wood as I bend, but it doesn't really get bad until the bleeding starts. I simply can't take that much time off work and still pay bills. So I need to 1) get my fucking meds changed, since this is obviously tied to an exact point in my cycle, and 2) find a job which doesn't involve this much walking, which would probably be a good idea anyway. I can be kind of normal when I'm not actively bleeding out of my crotch, but I'm still a little extra bendy and injure things stupidly easily.
And my lungs are *finally* mostly over the incense from a month ago, now that the weather's finally *above freezing*. Still need to talk to my doctor about those meds, too, because obviously I have to go outside sometimes, and god is albuterol expensive. A steroid inhaler would probably be less expensive with my insurance and would mean I wouldn't have to use the other one as much.
I just hate existing as a flesh body sometimes? It's so much work. And it hurts most of the time. And my life is like grinding in a videogame constantly, only you never seem to level up and as soon as you get any loot, your equipment breaks and you need to replace it. My work pants are wearing out again. Bills are due next week. I very much want to and intend to stay alive, but this manner of existence sucks so much. How the fuck do I fucking get out of this?
